Fear of Commitment
Friendship is the most comfortable feeling!
We knew everything about each other,
But trying to control emotions makes them grow bigger.
She’d been expressing her feelings for a while now
And I used to explain why its not gonna work
And why we shouldn’t do such a thing
And that there was no future.
But she had it all worked out in her head,
How we would meet and where we would meet,
How our first date’s gonna be.
As much as I’d wished I could make them real,
But I’m not one who likes to make false promises.
I was always mean with her
Eight years of meanness!
She’s a great person though!
She fell for my meanness.
I’m glad I met her,
She changed my life.
I don’t know what we are
But I do like her.
And maybe love her a little.
She made me confess it
And the feeling was mutual.
But we agreed we werent on a relationship
Because it would be stupid to do that without spending time together.
For some other reason I told her to still keep her options open
We both agreed we could see other people if we felt like it.
You’ve no idea how much i feel when i start feeling.
That’s the thing with strong people, I guess
They are softies on the inside.
So we went on a few dates
And we used to share everything that happened
And we used to gang up on our dates together.
She always drunk dialed me, and me only.
She almost felt like family already.
She may never know it but our souls were betrothed the moment we met!
She always was loyal to me.
But there are complications with her life
Could there be anything more going wrong with one’s body?
It might even come to a situation when she might die on me.
It is so hard for her.
She’s so hard working too.
She’s brilliant.
I basically saw her grow up, or rather
I grew up with her.
Today was her birthday,
She turned twenty-one.
She has painful experiences every now and then and has to rush to the doctor
To have feelings for her I had to deal with these first
And I did, but I didn’t tell her.
I saw past everything and still loved her.
And I wanna be with her through it all and take care of her.
And I don’t always feel this way for a girl.
I so would’ve married her if it was up to me
But the uncertainties in life just keep getting worse.
So I could never promise her anything.
All she would do is tell me how much she loved me
And I would keep pushing back.
She understood that I wasn’t ready and not by choice
But a girl can only take so much rejection.
But still she was with me
She was so loyal to me I almost felt guilty.
Like, why should she be so loyal to me?
What did i do to deserve that?
I’m a total commitment-phobe, by the way.
And who’d know that more than her?
Deserve her or not, she loved me with all her heart.
But what if i didn’t live up to her expectations?
What if I end up hurting her?
What if I’m all she’s left with and she regrets it?
She went on this date her Maa set up
and told me how nice the guy was
and how understanding of everything he was
and how she wished it was me sitting on that table;
How he paid two hundred bucks to get into a club she was in
and when he leaned on to kiss her and she moved away.
And i could see in the future that i wouldnt be able to marry her in time.
I had graduation, then get a job, had to take care of Maa
And Maa has to be okay with her illness as well
And my family and all.
Or maybe I’m lying to myself, and maybe
I’m a selfish bastard and these are just excuses
But I didnt want to be the reason for her regretting
That she’d let all these guys go because of nothing
And me not living up to my promise.
This was the first time she said to me that a guy was nice and caring
And I didn’t want her to let go of him.
So I had a “magical” night with my new years date
And I told her all about it
To give her a reason to let go of me…
To give myself a reason to let go of her.
I didn’t like it one bit, trust me.
She was instantly in tears.
I maybe sad inside but I never looked like it,
So no one knows.
She probably thinks I’m the biggest dick in the whole world.
You see, I loved her the most by not loving her.
Never thought I’d love a woman so much.
We were both sad and confused.
But I’ve played this countless times in my mind though.
Every time I called her she cried,
Everytime she dreamt about me, she called and cried.
What could I do?
She used to hate it.
Always joked about everything, I was never serious.
Joked to get away from making serious decisions.
I knew she wanted me to be responsible.
Girls her age, they know when a guy is right for them,
When a guy will be able to go all the way for them,
When a guy will pull through for them.
And she saw right through me.
But I would’ve been wrong for her.
Her life is already pretty difficult as it is.
This was the right thing.
She’ll be alright.
Time will pass and our love will fly like the air and no one will see it.
It will dissolve and no more she will feel it.
No one will know about it;
I’ll regret that though.
She believes it or not
But I will know that I have loved her
With as much love the good God gave me.
And that is what is most important.
She used to make all these acronyms that I’d forget.
She had acronyms for everything.
Every fucking thing seems to remind me of her
Used to talk to that bitch day and night.
Called each other for no reason.
She even used to facetime me from the hospital.
I miss making her jealous with bhapa pitha,
Miss waking up to her calls,
Miss having breakfast with her,
Miss watching her, half asleep in bed, while she gets ready for work.
Miss watching residual snow with her,
Miss snapchatting her the weirdest snaps ever.
Miss the feeling of seeing her after a busy week,
Miss being the closest to her.
Miss hearing her shitty voice.
Miss pissing her off.
Miss making fun of her illnesses,
Miss bullying her to hell and back.
Miss our comfortable silences.
Miss hearing about her sad stories and dissing them
And miss the laughter that followed.
Miss the joy I’m in when I’m with her company.
Miss chatting with her under the blanket so Maa wouldn’t see.
Miss our funny faces we made at each other.
Miss her ugly face.
I miss her.
And she thought she was the only one in love.
